in the grip

of a full blown anxiety / panic / stress attack

I can't focus on anything but the anger and frustration

I know this is not a healthy place to be
I want to leave
I don't want to deal with this shit any more
I can't

it's killing me
slowly
painfully
each passing moment I slip further and further from myself

All I want to do is scream
and maybe hit something

but I know that doens't actually solve anything

age

it's a curious thing to think about...

How is it a the relativly young age of 31 I continually see my self as getting old? As a dirty old lady at times even?

When did it happen that fun loud music that I used to find invigorating now makes me rush over to the stereo (or computer as it may be, when did I start playing music on my computer more than the stereo?) and hit the skip button so a less obtrusive...less noisy song will play...hopefully sooth my jangles nerves...when did that happen?

How did it happen that the latest "hot young thing" the latest hollywood hearthrob is ...fourteen years younger than me...fourteen?? I AM a dirty old lady! AND, when did crushing on a celebrity become a thing of shame...something to hide? Isn't what celebrity is about?...oh, but no, I'm supposed to be more mature than that now

Why does the idea of going out for a "night on the town" while away on vaction seem like a chore. Dancing? Having fun? Drinking and laughing and all that great stuff of memories? Really? We can still do thet?!? Should we?

I've come to the realization of late that I don't know what I want any more
or
who I am
or
where I'm going

I don't know what my goals are
I don't know what my asspiratons are
I don't know what I want to do with my life

"What do you want to do with your life your lady?"

I just don't know

I don't know if the things I thought I've wanted all this time are still what I want.

Can something that one considered to be part of the "fiber of their being" change?
Or have I just lost the thread...dropped a stitch or two in the knitting pattern that is my life up until now. And like that knitiing pattern....do I ravvle the piece back and pick up the dropped stitches, or do I pick them up on a new needle and improvise the pattern from here...who knows, maybe there is something new and beautiful to be found with those dropped stitches...

Did I really just use knitting as an annalogy for my life?

Yes, it seems I did.

Strange

especially considering I haven't knit anything in some time...

And all too suddenly she wonders what she's been missing all this time. The clarity seems to lift and she is left in the fog again.

Confusion returns and all is as it should be

contractors...

sarcastically, under his breath to another sub on site I heard him say
"you got to love these people, who aren't carpenters, who come up with a drawing and expect you to build it...anything can look good on paper"...

the other sub, told him "she's just doing her job..."

and I thought, yes, I am just doing my job...now I suggest you shut-up and do yours...which, by the way, is to build things how they are drawn, not how you think they should be built... you aren't being paid to talk shit about the design, you're being paid to get the job done.

Now, if only I had said that to him instead of taking what I overheard to heart...

negativity will be the death of the world

is it too much to ask that a person start a conversation with some form of pleasantry?

is it too much to ask that people either say thank you or good bye at the end of a phone call?

is it too much to ask that people try to keep a positive outlook, rather than always bringing up the negative and the bad and the wrong and the...

is it too much to ask that i be allowed to enjoy a feeling of satisfaction in a job well done before someone throw something else in my face or be rude or complain or otherwise rain on my parade

is it too much to ask....hmmm, i guess it really must be...that's too bad



did i mention that i hate my job?

she's back . . .

i have been away from the world of blogger for so so long . . .

so much has changed, in fact everything has changed, or nearly everything anyway

new city (which i hate!)
new job (which I loathe)
new house (well an old house to be renovated)
new apartment (while the house gets renovated)
new state of mind (and not a great on either)
new friendship status (i don't have any here)
new relationship status (rocky at best)

. . .

why did i come back after such a long absence? i need to recover some part of the me that i knew and somewhat liked from my former life . . . in need to get back on an even plateau instead of the the constant up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down that my life seems to have now

what has changed in the last year and change since i last was here . . . apart from the vague list above . . nothing much . . . maybe this is the problem . . . maybe it's not . . . maybe me constantly thinking there is a problem, is the problem . . . maybe I don't even really have a problem? . . .hmmmmm, that's an interesting thought . . .

whatever the problem - real or imaginary - i seem to have lost part of myself, or all of her . . .

what do you do when you loose something? . . . you re-trace your steps in hopes of finding it . . . so, i am retracing my steps so to speak . . .


~a note on house keeping . . . some of the past content of this log has been deleted, for the simple reason that the past should stay in the past only coming to the future to reinforce the lessons learned by it . . . i have not forgotten these lessons learned, so i don't need the reminders . . . comments on the remaining items, have been deleted for the most part . . . not because they were not appreciated at the time, but because they can so easily be taken out of context in the span of time . . . what was once funny or an inside joke can sometimes sound rude or hurtful with out the frame of reference . . .

I am...

running away from home . . .
in April . . .

because I want to . . .
because I need to . . .

because if I don't something bad could happen . . .
probably will happen . . .

I might not come back

I wish April were sooner

privation

(pry-VAY-shun) noun:
1. An act or instance of depriving.
2. The state of being deprived of something, especially of something required or desired; destitution; need.

. . .

Lyrics for today . . .

You can't make an omlette,
without breaking eggs,
And I'm just an egg yolk,
Making a mess


I can't remember where these are from at the moment, but this is how I feel today...

lyrics for today . . .

Im gonna go ahead and go boldly
Cuz a little bird told me
That jumping is easy
And falling is fun
Right up unitl you hit the sidewalk
Shivering and stunned

Swan Dive - Ani Difranco

UPS guy

i see you as you pass by...the sideways glace you give me...that look...your posture, holding your shoulders back and head up...hoping i'll notice you maybe... these dark glasses deceive you perhaps but i see you

smile next time...i might just smile back...wouldn't that be a thrill?

I gave up trying to figure it out

Why did you give up?

i didn't give up

It feels like you did.

there was nothing left to give up on

it was time to move on . . .

i did

You did. . .

you did not

no. . .

i'm sorry . . .

not for my actions

or my words

i'm sorry you are hurt

. . . .

but i think this is how it must be

really?

yes, really

insignificant

it doesn't matter where i was
it doesn't mean anything, not even to me
it was the death of humanity
it may as well have been the death of the human race

smile...

smile, and the whole world smiles with you

scream, and the world turns its back on you

"I heard the news today , oh boy"

~A Day in the Life - The Beatles

Lyrics that suit today...

Well the more you try to shake the cat
The more the thing will bite and scratch
It's best I think to leave its fur and to listen to its silky purr
Some people like to make life a little tougher than it is

hide and seek . . .

the police helicopter has been cicling the neighbourhood for the last 3 hours . . . i wish they would find who they're looking fo and go away . . . or just go away . . i have a headache

all is quiet

should i worry...

friend is a four letter word

mistakes made in a moment of weakness will continue to come back to haunt me it seems...i really must learn to remain a strong person at all times...never let your gaurd down

“Whatever you want too much you can't have, so when you really want something, try to want it a little less.”

~Walter Slovotsky

Empty

devoid of creation yet the mind continues to race

every week has one of them it seems

And I still find it so hard,
To say what I need to say,
But Im quite sure that youll tell me,
Just how I should feel today
~Blue Monday, New Order

lust

noun

Intense or unrestrained sexual craving

Synonyms:

ache, animalism, aphrodisia, appetence, appetite, appetition, ardor,
avidity, bag, big eyes, carnality, concupiscence, covet, covetousness, craving,
cupidity, desire, eroticism, excitement, fervor, greed, hankering, heat, hots,
hunger, in heat, itch, lasciviousness, lechery, lewdness, libido,
licentiousness, longing, passion, prurience, pruriency, salaciousness, salacity,
sensualism, sensuality, smolder, thirst, tingle, urge, want, wantonness,
weakness, wish, yearn, yen

Under my skin

there's something about thunderstorms...especially when it's dark, even better if the power goes out...the electricity in the air makes every hair on my body stand at full attention...nerve endings a alert, begging for attention - touch me...lighening sends a charge through my entire body...

tonight's storm was a good one...i wish i had had someone to share it with...

sleep is...

a blissful thing sorely missed when unattainable

and then...

all is clear...the mind is at ease...
that is to say that the stress has been relieved...replaced
there are things not told
and that is ok

in·spi·ra·tion

- noun

1.

a. Stimulation of the mind or emotions to a high level of feeling or activity.

b. The condition of being so stimulated.

2. An agency, such as a person or work of art, that moves the intellect or emotions or prompts
action or invention.

3. Something, such as a sudden creative act or idea, that is inspired.

4. The quality of inspiring or exalting: a painting full of inspiration.

5. Divine guidance or influence exerted directly on the mind and soul of humankind.

6. The act of drawing in, especially the inhalation of air into the lungs.

Synonyms:

afflatus, animus, approach, arousal, awakening, bell-ringer, big idea,
brainchild, brainstorm, brainwave, creativity, deep think, elevation,
encouragement, enthusiasm, exaltation, fancy, flash, genius, hunch,
illumination, impulse, incentive, inflatus, influence, insight, motivation,
motive, muse, notion, rah rah, revelation, rumble, spark, spark plug, spur,
stimulation, stimulus, thought, vision, whim

her mind swims

the mind swims
what are we doing...how did this happened...what does it mean...what if...
then i give the head a shake and pretend everything is normal

does he know... can he feel the change...?

should we tell him? he’s a good man, he might understand...but,
tell him what exactly. it's not as if there is anything to tell...

...yet?

there may never be a reason to bring it up...


...until...



...if...?



so many variables.

that doesn’t help me clear the mind
so, i try again...focus...there is no sense dwelling
but...the thoughts arise again, and we are back where it started...

the mind swims...

wants of a melancholy mouse

i want to travel, see the world
i want to have great expereinces
i want to run away from home...I'm 28 years old, and answer only to myself, yet i still want to flee

i want to learn to play the banjo - yes the banjo
i want to be the nude in a drawing class...but am afriad of what people will see

i want to do some thing great and/or meaningful...but i don't know what or how, nor do i posses the means

i want both the reality and the fantasy
i want to travel back in time to make things...right

i want...

i want to be financially secure
i want to do something that i enjoy for a living without the doubt of

'did i make the wrong decision'...

i want to know if i made the wrong decision

i want to enjoy my spare time instead of fretting over things and making myself crazy
i want ... to be happy more than i am now

i want to know who did these

i want to be a better girlfriend...

daughter...
sister ...
friend...

... because i hate losing touch with people

i...want need to be free of this grey cloud

Want

verb tr.

1.

a. To desire greatly; wish for: She wants to leave.
b. To desire (someone to do something): I want you to leave.

2. To request the presence or assistance of: You are wanted by your office.

3. To seek with intent to capture: The fugitive is wanted by the police.

4. To have an inclination toward; like: Say what you want, but be tactful.

5. Informal. To be obliged (to do something): You want to be careful on the ice.

6. To be without; lack.

7. To be in need of; require: “‘Your hair wants cutting,’ said the Hatter” (Lewis Carroll).

Synonyms:

ache, aspire, be greedy, choose, covet, crave, cream for, desiderate, die over,
fancy, hanker, have ambition, hunger, incline toward, itch for, lech for, long,
lust, need, pine, prefer, require, spoil for, thirst, wish, yearn, yen for

noun

1. The condition or quality of lacking something usual or necessary: stayed home for want of anything better to do.
2. Pressing need; destitution: lives in want.
3. Something desired: a person of few wants and needs.
4. A defect of character; a fault.

Synonyms:

appetite, craving, demand, fancy, hankering, hunger, longing, necessity, need, requirement, thirst, wish, yearning, yen